Creative Recovery - page 3
Jasper Kent
I should've emptied the trash long ago
but I just couldn't get up and do it.
So day after day
I sit in the kitchen
watching garbage
fill the can, pile up,
spill out onto the floor, and spread:
coffee grounds, cigarette butts, beer cans, liquor bottles,
crumpled wads of unopened court summons, unpaid bills, unanswered letters,
torn greasy newspapers oozing true-life stories of pain, cruelty,
suffering, & death,
vicious shards of broken glass, blood-encrusted needles protruding from
nameless globs
of rotting food, stinking the shuddering shattering deadly stench of good
things gone bad.
Stained photograph
of a woman
who once loved me.
Somebody, please.
Gimme a hand.
I gotta take out the trash.
Jasper Kent
Knoxville, 1987
Bert Ward
Pattern is a melodic rock outfit hailing from Wellington, New Zealand. The band has been descibed as "King Rock - the Music of Kingz". It's cosmic sounds for the 21st century, Reality Flipside - Step Outside the Matrix - and Because I choose to+
Quite apart from the band's origins as a customhouse metal covers outfit in the early 90's, Pattern has been focusing on crafting the soundtrack to a series of dreams and visions. The title of their debut album, "Step Outside the Matrix" is an invitation to face our fears and personal demons along the road to the 'real' world.
The band's lead Vocalist and Guitarist, Bert Ward says his ultimate dream for Pattern is promotion leading to worldwide exposure, so everyone on the planet has a chance to enjoy the haunting soundscape of "Step Outside the Matrix", and the many, many releases to come.
Come check out their website and download some of their tunes!
http://www.patternkr.cjb.net/Allan Ostermann
Website: http://www.allanostermann.deviantart.com/gallery
Jennifer ("Breeze")
*Jennifer is a WONDERFUL moderator at our Community of Support Forums here!....Carol Hello everyone! I hope by sharing these poems with ya'll, you can better understand the "passionate" side of me. Now, these poems were written between about 1993 - 1997. All the poems dated BEFORE Sept 1997 were during the height and end of my addiction. I moved to Prescott, AZ in Sept. 1997 to enter a halfway house and to began my first jaunt at recovery. So, in these poems you will hear desperation, heartache, lots of pain, fear, etc.. I was a hopeless romatic...was, heck, still am....so most of them are about love gone wrong. However, the first one titled, "No Escape"...well, it took a lot of thought to decide if I wanted to include this particular one. I would like to tell ya'll what it is about. In the summer of 1993 I was asked out on a date. Now, this man had asked me out several times before, and he was a good friend, and I was going to be moving to college, in Flagstaff, so this last time he asked me out I figured what the hell! We went out to a movie, and then back to his house, where he lived with his parents. I was 18. We went into his room, and to make a long story short, he raped me. Violently. Now, it took many many years for me to accept that I had been raped. I was confused. It was, what they call, "date rape". So, at first, I didn't even comprehend that I had been raped. Now, I know that I said, "NO!" and "STOP!" and "YOU'RE HURTING ME!", over and over until he put his hand over my mouth...I know his parents were asleep in the next room...it was horrible. Anyway, I wrote this poem, No Escape to try and get my anger out. It did help empower me. So, why did I include it here? Well, my only hope is that if even one person, who has been raped reads this poem, and (I hope) may feel some empowerment from it, then well that's why I included it. It's in my nature, as you all know by now, to help others thru my experiences. My biggest goal in life is to help people get from A-Z, without having to go thru B, C, D, etc... Like I had to. And, for the most part, I went thru it alone. We all have. So, my hope is to let people skip all the bad, lonely, middle stuff and hopefully learn thru my life, my pain, my lonliness...so they don't have to have it all...does that make sense? So far, I have been rewarded with one good friend, Mary. She really does listen to me and she really does act on my advise thru my experiences, and it has really really cleaned up her life dramatically! So, I push on... Please enjoy these poems, and just keep in mind that I was young. hehe Thanks, all of you!
Jennifer
(warning! - strong language)
Looks like we're tripping again...
down your so-called path of love.
Feels like the acid...
eats away your decayed, haunting touch.
Get your g-d damned clammy hands off my thigh!
Try to pull them apart, you bastard, just try! - To no fucking avail!
THIGHS OF STEEL!
Don't be suprised that that's how they feel.
Lick your tongue down my razor-blade legs.
BLEED you fucking CREEP!
Bleed until there is no more
putrid blood pouring from your festering, dirty mouth!
Bleed my violated past away!
With every drop of decaying flesh and blood,
my soul comes back to ME!
GIVE IT BACK, YOU MANSON (charles) OF LOVE!
Love...HA! I am NOT fucking DUMB!
Your distorted love is about as deep as your diseased mind!
Oh...but "it feels so good..."
FUCK GOOD!
Good would be to watch you burn in hell
a thousand times again.
Good would be to unleash the hungry beast
the beast inside of me!
The beast strives to hunt,
hunt for YOUR impurities!
Your impurities which feed off the small...
We're small alright...
BUT, the beast within knows not of size!
It knows of the purity you STOLE!
And, ooooohhh, is he HUNGRY tonight!
You aren't safe.
You can't hide.
It smells your rotting DICK a million miles away!
It senses your hands, raping the rocks
as you try to claw yourself to safety!
It hears your pathetic cries,
screaming for the forgiveness you so
ironically think you deserve.
NO ESCAPE.
Our lips would meet, and it was obvious about your satisfaction.
I could feel you were pleased.
The slightest step towards you,
and your arms would open wide.
As I fell into the safety of your embrace,
my fears ceased to take control.Your eyes closed so gently, and
your face relaxed into peace.
Sleep, beautiful...sleep.
As I stroked your brow, it was as if
an angel's hair slipped across my unworthy fingertips.
I never slept when you did,
for it was my time to admire the love at my side.I never thought I'd be standing so far away,
watching you run!
I thought it was time for our world to rise.
They say communism is good,
but it'll never work in a country.
How can it, if it can't even work
between two people in love?
We fell harder than Russia, and we had
the incredible strength and ulitmate innocense
of dreams! Nothing could destroy our ambition,
except each other...
I blame no society, I don't blame
the dysfunctional families of today.
I blame you, and I blame I.
I blame our tongues for not speaking,
our arms for not holding,
our hearts for not screaming...
for the love we should have fought for!
What happened to the desire!?
The ever-lasting fire that torched our souls,
and fed our desire to win back our generation!
Where did it go when you left?
S.O.S Rolling Rock!!
(If Pete only knew how wicked he was)At least he stood me up for a good reason.
Hell, Even I would stand me up for a beer!
Drink away while I sit still.
Never realize what your brain meant to me.
Oh! But don't come too close now!
I mean, Fuck!
What if our brains connected?
I mean, holy mother-fucking shit!
What would you drink then??
How do you push away a mass of cerrebelium, while I'm the coroner
and YOU the dead?
But, stop. Let's just put the bartender on hold. Think:
What if you put down the fucking beer (and hell, why not your guard while you're at it?)
What if *I* drank it?
Relax.
*I* can speak now...
Could that soul swimming around in the 'ol bottle of barley
belong to me?
I'm flat-out telling you now:
I COULD BE THE BEST G-D DAMN INTOXICATION YOU'RE EVER HAD!
So, take my pathetic number for the 8th time.
Take my HOPE for the 8th time.
Take my sobriety for the LAST!
Everyone is here for me,
yet no one can be found.
Someone called me a lunatic last night.
So, tears welled inside
but laughter is all they heard from me.
Praised for keeping control,
but desires to freak out are just under the skin.
Insignificant- like him, or her.
Useless chatter fills the room.
If they all disappeared
the world would still turn,
democracy would still prevail.
The world would still be a superficial slum.
And, the adults would still require pacifiers.
Where's the grand revolution?
The promises for tomorrow
become the worthless efforts of today.
People still starve.
Drugs still control the execution of the masses.
Religion still bullies people into silence.
Conspiricies still creep into the dreams of the innocent.
And the newborns are put to work at the nearest McDonald's,
paying for the president's retirement.
I am guilty too - for I remain silent & still.
They tell me to just let go
And oh, how I wish I could.
Aches so intense.
Cardiac Arrest.
I think about your mind all night.
Sleep could help.
Where is sleep?
If only you were here with me.
The echo of your breathing,
singing softly, calming my insides.
Can't get my mind
to sway away
from thoughts of you.
One kiss, softly placed upon my forehead
could save the world tonight.
Sitting in the corner,
staring at the ceiling,
dying all too much.
You give me pain, and I'll take it...
for all I want is to receive something from you,
special for me.
You. You're the Everything.
Everything but mine.
Can't get the words out just right.
My damn brain leaks stupidity.
Run Away.
I want to take it all back!
You stole my laughter, my smile...
What do I have to do to
Get you Back?!
(*No date, no title...probably from '97, the first time I tried sobriety...Once again, about a guy. hehe)
Watched the clock say 3am again.
My rooms a fucking mess again.
Can't find the motivation to clean it...
All I can do is think of you again.
Shoved everything to one corner
that'll have to do for now...
Can't stop the tears from falling
All I can do is think of you again.
Songs pouring out my stereo
Hurts my ears and sounds like noise
Can't hear what song it is again
All I can do is think of you again.
Time to face the day again.
Without you in my arms again.
Can't even step outside alone
All I can do is think of you, again.I am strong
I tell myself over and over,
all by myself.
Forget him,
I tell myself over and over again.
I'm all by myself again.Watched the clock say 3am again.
My rooms a fucking mess again.
Can't find the motivation to clean it.
Will I ever stop thinking of you, again?!
Intertwined...
through lust and love.
Bodies melting...
while hearts are beating.
Feel the thrust of your soul into mine.
Feel the pain of your love, gently, between my thighs.
...Oh, it feels so good...
to be in love with you.Confusion escapes my lips
thru sounds of divine pleasure.
Listening to your haunting voice
just to feel deeper.Let it go, Baby!
Get lost inside of me!
Disappear from the room we're in.
Ignore the sounds that creep into our haven.
Hear through my touch...
See with our pleasure...
Relaxing...
Push harder and deeper...
Until you can feel my heart!!
Listen to my screams
as they release my fears to you!
Everytime my tongue touches your body...
the sour taste of shame is defeated by the
overwhelming, intoxicating, sweet taste of You.
Passion pulls me closer to your body...
So that our souls may dance
As if it were the last dance.
